I won’t spend too much time apologizing for my neglect, although I wish I’d better documented the past few months in this little corner of cyber space I’ve been given.  To be honest though, I’m not quite sure what I would have said – not sure if anyone would have wanted to read it. It may have sounded something like,

“Survival Day 89 in the storm-battered house of my life. Today we began repairs on the collapsed roof when suddenly the walls caved. I’m sitting dazed in the middle of the rubble that used to be my composure.  Date for reconstruction is as yet undetermined.”

As often as I thought of “elenasmiles” – this place to make note of God’s good gifts, it just didn’t seem right to broadcast my feelings of defeat… but I’m thinking about it a little differently now. In the midst of my disappointment, my disillusionment, I will raise my Ebenezer. This time is just as, if not more appropriate a time to make known the sweetness of the Father. Trusting him means looking back to what he’s done and believing he’ll show up again for what’s ahead.

In the middle of perhaps the darkest time he asked me a simple question while we were at church. “Natalie, what would happen if you just trusted me?” I could see him smirk. (Oh yeah, and whenever he show up, he’s always wearing a plaid button-up.)  ”I mean, what would it take for you to get your eyes off the floor and just look at me?” … “Touche,” I thought.  Later that night, I was driving in my car and a song by Sondre Lerche came on. My plaid-clad Savior sang to me,

“I’m not gonna state

Obvious observations everybody makes.

But baby be prepared to be surprised -

Be prepared to be surprised.

It’s all I know.

The weight of the world

And the hurt

And the dirt

Can make you disturbed

But I heard -

When I wrap my arms around you

Every mistake we’ve made crumbles.

When I wrap my arms around you

Everything echoes a new song.”

So there you have it. I still don’t know what’s ahead and often times my downcast gaze finds the top of my boots more interesting than the hopeful sky – but I guess I’m supposed to wait it out and be surprised.

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